If the chain restaurants were in high school…

This is what I do on airplanes when I can’t seem to get any editing or writing done on my novel…

If the Chain Restaurants Were All in High School

By Bill Konigsberg

McDonalds: Most popular kid in school since Kindergarten despite not being good at any one thing. Popularity slipping as of late.

Burger King: Been copying McDonald’s homework for years but somehow his grades are always a little worse.

Long John Silvers: Fat kid who smells like day-old grease.

In-And-Out: Christian kid whom everyone likes. Doesn’t drink or drug, yet always seems to be the life of the party.

Arby’s: Weird kid who keeps bringing mystery meat in for lunch and saying it’s roast beef; it is categorically NOT roast beef.

Wendy’s: Wacky redhead who will do just about anything to be popular.

KFC: Been saying for years he has this great secret, but no one really wants to know it.

Popeye’s: Everybody secretly has a crush on her but no one would ever admit it because she’s a little weird.

Outback Steakhouse: Moved to town freshman year with a surfboard, blond hair and a great Australian accent; actually from Paramus, New Jersey.

Panda Express: Girl everyone likes to hang out with, but somehow you always go home from her house not entirely satisfied.

Jack N the Box: Hangs out behind the dumpster during recess; rumored to be a huffer.

Applebees: Hangs out with popular kids, all of whom hate him and make fun of him.

Chili’s: Decent kid, was popular in grade school and has been coasting ever since.

Olive Garden: Fancies himself a ladies man; spends every Friday night at home alone watching Hulu.

Chipotle Grill: Progressive kid who came out of nowhere to become megapopular.

TGI Friday: Always talking about how there’s going to be a shindig at his house that’s going to be off the hook. It never is.

Red Lobster: Always bragging about his father’s yacht; his father actually has a jetski.

Pizza Hut: In his third year as a senior; unlikely to ever graduate.

Dominoes: In his fourth year as a senior; even less likely to ever graduate.

Subway: Obnoxious kid whose always talking about what good shape he’s in but has actually never exercised a day in his life.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Most likely to upchuck at a party.

Papa Johns: Douchebag who hangs out with the jocks but can’t throw a spiral to save his life.

Chick Fil-A: Religious zealot who says homophobic crap and then issues apologies that make everything worse.

Carl’s Jr: No one has ever met anyone whose been over to his house.

Taco Bell: Total stoner, but somehow the first guy you text when it’s 2am on a Saturday night and you’re bored.

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2 Responses to If the chain restaurants were in high school…

  1. Crissykiss says:

    This is so hilariously accurate! I literally couldn’t control myself reading this lmao too funny

  2. Jillian says:

    My husband actually had tacobell in his high school cafeteria in the late 90’s.

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