This is what I do on airplanes when I can’t seem to get any editing or writing done on my novel…
If the Chain Restaurants Were All in High School
By Bill Konigsberg
McDonalds: Most popular kid in school since Kindergarten despite not being good at any one thing. Popularity slipping as of late.
Burger King: Been copying McDonald’s homework for years but somehow his grades are always a little worse.
Long John Silvers: Fat kid who smells like day-old grease.
In-And-Out: Christian kid whom everyone likes. Doesn’t drink or drug, yet always seems to be the life of the party.
Arby’s: Weird kid who keeps bringing mystery meat in for lunch and saying it’s roast beef; it is categorically NOT roast beef.
Wendy’s: Wacky redhead who will do just about anything to be popular.
KFC: Been saying for years he has this great secret, but no one really wants to know it.
Popeye’s: Everybody secretly has a crush on her but no one would ever admit it because she’s a little weird.
Outback Steakhouse: Moved to town freshman year with a surfboard, blond hair and a great Australian accent; actually from Paramus, New Jersey.
Panda Express: Girl everyone likes to hang out with, but somehow you always go home from her house not entirely satisfied.
Jack N the Box: Hangs out behind the dumpster during recess; rumored to be a huffer.
Applebees: Hangs out with popular kids, all of whom hate him and make fun of him.
Chili’s: Decent kid, was popular in grade school and has been coasting ever since.
Olive Garden: Fancies himself a ladies man; spends every Friday night at home alone watching Hulu.
Chipotle Grill: Progressive kid who came out of nowhere to become megapopular.
TGI Friday: Always talking about how there’s going to be a shindig at his house that’s going to be off the hook. It never is.
Red Lobster: Always bragging about his father’s yacht; his father actually has a jetski.
Pizza Hut: In his third year as a senior; unlikely to ever graduate.
Dominoes: In his fourth year as a senior; even less likely to ever graduate.
Subway: Obnoxious kid whose always talking about what good shape he’s in but has actually never exercised a day in his life.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Most likely to upchuck at a party.
Papa Johns: Douchebag who hangs out with the jocks but can’t throw a spiral to save his life.
Chick Fil-A: Religious zealot who says homophobic crap and then issues apologies that make everything worse.
Carl’s Jr: No one has ever met anyone whose been over to his house.
Taco Bell: Total stoner, but somehow the first guy you text when it’s 2am on a Saturday night and you’re bored.